Want

I may be starting a theme here, but apparently I have a fraught relationship with holidays in general!

In our lean years, when Matt and I were in grad school and the kids were in those early years, just beginning to appreciate Christmas magic, I relished Christmas as the opportunity to finally say “yes” to something I’d had to say “no” to all year, often something gaudy and plastic. Moreover, as they got older, I dangled the promise of the list as a way of deferring my “no”: not, “you can’t have that,” but, “put it on your Christmas list.” Each year, as we did a little better financially, Santa was able to be a little more generous.

Until this year, Santa was more or less able to keep up. Now, at 8 and 11, with their acute mental and internet-surfing powers, the girls have decided that Santa is a kind of omnipotent toy god. Their lists are specific, long, and change frequently with whatever they just saw “unboxed” on youtube (I am not a fan of these videos). They are aware of the pricepoint of each item and prioritize accordingly. Christmas has descended into not just wish fulfillment, but speed-and-attention-span-of-the-internet-every-whim granting. This leaves Santa in a pickle she created herself. She has inadvertently created runaway materialists, and the postal service cannot accommodate their latest wants, what with covid short-staffing and all, so they will end up with whatever was at the top of their list a few weeks ago, which has long sunk to the bottom or been crossed off. Stay tuned for what this may do to their belief in the magic. I’m mourning a little pre-emptively. I hate that their sense of the magic of Christmas has become dependent on Santa giving them the top choice off their lists, which they just added minutes before midnight on Christmas eve.

Buddhism has a little guidance on this: very simply, want is the root of all our problems. Striving has no end and desire no bottom. Want becomes its own object and consumes us because it can’t ultimately be fulfilled. Maybe, in not getting their latest and greatest desire, this Christmas will teach them the lesson I should have been more careful in teaching them myself. I’ve been a bit selfish in wanting to see that joy on their faces at unboxing time, and in letting that joy stem from the getting. This was my desire, and, clearly, it’s gotten me into trouble. I will never be a perfect Buddhist; I do a little too much striving, but maybe I can turn one of those strivings, ironically, towards nurturing a healthier relationship towards want for all of us.